Not even sure where to begin

Tonight was bad...really bad. Not sure where to even begin or if I even want to write about it. My  heart is hurt as well as my feelings.

It's one thing to fight, but it's another to strike the very core of someone with the intention of doing harm. 

Maybe I'm just too soft. Maybe I have this misconstrued version of what having an argument is all about. Maybe people just strike out at the jugular as a defense mechanism. Maybe it just all sucks.

I'm tired of the meaness of it. I'm tired of not being able to argue without it being so hurtful you're not sure you can come back from it. 

I should be able to be annoyed. I should be able to have feelings without people thinking I'm just being a bitch.

Maybe I am just a bitch.

One thing I do know is something has to change. This is not life, this is just plain miserable. Merry Christmas.

I picked up a bottle of St. John's Wort tonight. Maybe that will help my mood. I used to take it as an alternative to prescription medicine when I was younger. I stopped taking it when I started birth control. Now, since there's no need for birth control I'm going to give it another go.

Here's to finding my inner peace and tranquility. At least that's what the bottle says.

Simply J

So completely and utterly lost

That's pretty much how I feel tonight.

E and I had another fight. Whatever connection we once had we've lost and I know neither of us are sure how to get it back.

Have we really grown that far apart and have we really become these two seperate people that barely know each other?

I'm tired. Actually I'm exhausted.
I'm tired of fighting with the one person who is supposed to be my best friend.
I'm tired of just not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of always feeling like I want to cry.

I'll just stay up some more and do laundry, drink some coffee, and see what good movies are on.

Sunday Morning

This one is going to be a quickie.

It's Sunday morning and I'm the first one up. I enjoy that. It's almost like an inbetween time that's just mine. Coffee is brewing and it smells delicious.

I really need to take today and clean my house a bit. Yayy...pfftt...

I'm all about the randomness today. So...anything goes.

Simply J

Home Alone

So my job decided to cut hours and move everything around and so I'm stuck with a rather annoying day off inbetween my days on.

It's not so horrible, because it's the one day a week I find myself home alone, at least until school lets out. But having to be in a work mind, then a home mind, then a home mind again, then a work mind..well it's kind of annoying.

I've made a decision in my life. If I'm going to change my life. If I'm going to be happy, then I need to change multiple aspects of my life in order to enjoy the entire thing as a whole. Does this make sense? It does for me somehow. Something clicked finally and while I'm not even close to scratching the surface of many things, I found some kind of inner peace with just coming up with a plan of attack.

Writing daily has also made me happy again. I miss words. I miss concoting sentences and misuing punctuation. Someone along the way thought I had a bit of talent and I was published in a small newspaper for two years. And then I moved on.....

I lost writing and by doing that, lost a piece of myself. Those are the pieces that I want to reclaim.

So here I sit with a cup of coffe, my keyboard, and Mraz in the background just clicking away thoughts of randomness and loving it.

Simply J

Rockin the Gray

Today is rather chilly outside but the sun is shining bright. I have to go to work today and it's a weird feeling after being off for a week and a half. I almost don't want to go.

E and I had this huge fight the other night. Not like..huge..but HUGE. She hates the winter, the cold, and the snow. She longs for beaches, surfing, and sand. See we were raised on two seperate coasts. I'm a native East coaster, and she's from Hawaii. Now here we are raising two children in the Midwest. Culture shock all around.

I've been to Hawaii and it was nice, but I'm not sure if I ever want to live there. It's great for some people who have that kind of life in their souls, but I'm not sure if I'm one of them. Tropical beaches are beautiful, magical, and surreal, but I miss the shore. I miss choppy ocean and lighthouses. The cold breeze that comes in off of the water while fishing boats slowly float by. I miss the rocky cliffs that overlook foamy waves.

In a nutshell, we love two different kinds of beaches. We've thought about going to Seattle. The best of both worlds. We might have to look a little bit more into that.

I guess I really am gray.

We were sitting at dinner a few days ago, probably a day before this fight and my daughter randomly said, "If I was a color, what color do you guys think I would be?".

We named my open hearted, soft souled daughter the color green. E was the color pink. My lil guy was the color red because his favorite race cars are red. When it came to me, without a blink they said, "Well you're the color gray."

That kinda took me back for a moment. A quick explanation came after probably because of the look on my face. They didn't think I was just the color gray, but all of the varying colors associated with it. I could be brillant white, or as dark as black with varying degrees in between.

I wonder if they think I'm bi-polar. LOL.

I'm not sure what color I am today. Maybe a really light gray, like a heather gray. I'm in a cool mood. Looking forward to going back to work, kinda. Gonna rock some Mraz on my 45 min trip into work. All is right with the world at the moment.

I guess I'll just rock the gray.

Simply J

The me that I can't find

I guess this is where I get into the meat and potatoes of things.

I've been feeling lately like I've completely lost who I am. Mix that with this overwhelming feeling that I am going entirely insane and you can only imagine what waking up in the morning is like.

Now I know, it probably seems like I'm a big ole whine bag. I've been told to just shut up and suck it up and I pretty much just want to slap those people in the face. When everything is wonderful people want to bask in you. When things aren't quite so good, you get told everything will be okay and to suck it up and be thankful for what you have. Maybe I need to do just that. Maybe this blog is my way of weeding through all of the nonesense and finding the core things that I seem to have lost somewhere along the way.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm really not insane. I get up every morning and thank whatever powers may be for my children. I go to work and when I can, I create jewelry which I absolutely love to do. I cook dinner (most of the time anyways) and I do laundry and I kiss boo boos and I watch Grey's and Private Practice and I snuggle on the couch with E and at the end of the night I go to sleep. I'm VERY grateful for all of this.

But somewhere in the middle of all of this wonderful day to day life....where am I?

On a second random thought, I apologize for so many posts today. I honestly don't get a lot of time to just sit here and write, which is the one thing in this life that I miss the most. I'm off work today and while all of this is swirling around in my head, I actually have a chance to get some of it out.

I woke up one morning and blinked a few times and got hit in the back of the head with a brick that said "I'm 34 years old. I had dreams and things I wanted to accomplish. What happened?"

Don't get me wrong...I'm really not going to sit here and blame anyone else for this but me. I know that I make my own way and my own destiny and all of that wonderful philosophical stuff.....but it's just what happened one day.

I need to find a way back to me.....

Simply J

Some Random Things About Me

I figured if I am going to be writing this thing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, contemplations, and temper tantrums with the public, I'd share a few things about me.

First off, if you couldn't already tell...I love Jason Mraz. So, I apologize if you can't stand him and the moment you open this page his music floods your ears. There is a volume button on the player where you can simply just turn him off. Although, why anyone would is beyond me.

So..I'm 34 (gosh) and I have just recently suffered my first celebrity crush. Yes, you may have guessed it, it is on the afore mentioned Mr. Mraz. I just recently saw him in concert and while I enjoyed his music before, I left the Fox Theater simply amazed. Before you all start thinking it, no I'm not a stalker and no I'm not going to rummage through his garbage while he's out on tour, and while I really admire him, I don't consider myself some sort of Mraz fanatic. I don't have pictures of him plastered all over my house, or some secret Jason shrine built into my linen closet. I simply admire the man and wonder where all of the other men like him have been hiding? Is there some secret stock in Cali that we girls don't know about?

Anyway, there will be more posts on Mraz (I guess I might be a lil stalkerish afterall) and I didn't want this blog to be just about Mr. A-Z.

I'm a mom of two beautiful, wonderful, drive me crazy children. My oldest is a girl who is about to graduate high school this May, and my youngest is a darlin, funny, out of this world boy who has just turned 5. Yep, I know, lots of years inbetween. I started young if you do the math and wanted to be ready when I had my second child. So..about 13 years between the first and second.

I also have another half. We'll just call her E for the moment. And yes, I did say her. We drive each other crazy most of the time, but the love is always there.

I also have two horrible dogs. I'm a cat person who ended up with a Jack Russell mix and a rescued yellow lab. They drive me nuts and we still haven't reached any common ground on what's mine and what's yours. Such is my burden to bear in life.

I do love fish however, and I've been blessed with two beautiful tetras and one wiggly catfish as well as a brillant blue Beta.

Sorry if this is long and boring, I was only thinking I'd post once every few days..but it seems I have a lot to say! LOL

Simply J

So....A Blog

Blog..blog..blog...

I've blogged before. However I don't think I've ever blogged well. The intentions were definitely present and while I resolved to post at least once a week, it never really did happen.

So why now?

I think this project has been in the back of my mind for a while now. A place, a reason, to store all of the thoughts that randomly do acrobatics inside of my brain with no way of jumping out which only results in a migraine at the end of the day.

If no one even reads this, that's cool. If people do, well that's cool too.

I wanted to create this blog for another reason. A reason that I'm not sure is still sitting well with me. It's sneaky and in it's own way has a bit of a sinister feeling about it. I wanted to create this because I know all of those that I care about and care about me, have no idea about it. The chances of them stumbling across it are slim to none and I truly believe at this point in my life I need that. Something that is selfishly mine where I can say anything I want and not risk arguments or being laughed at. Frankly if other people read this and want to do those things I could care less...it's just the intimate people in my life that I want to hide from, even for just a little while.

I'm going to call this project my online diary.

So if you do end up reading this, I'm going to apologize now for my awkwardness, my ineptness, and at times, my pure insanity. There are a lot of things I want to sort out in this journey, most nonsense, but some things a little more serious need an outlet to escape out of my brain and give me a little bit of peace.

So....yep...a blog.